Donald Trump Wins Super Tuesday

I gotta tell you, there’s nothing like waking up from a good night’s sleep, feeling well-rested for the first time all semester, checking the headlines and realizing that literally everything is horrible and nothing matters any more.

Last night was Super Tuesday.  For those of you who don’t know, that’s the day several states have their caucuses all at the same time.  It’s a good way to get the feel for what people are wanting in a candidate (or at the very least, which candidate they think is less evil.)  Historically, presidential candidates who win Super Tuesday become the party’s nominee.  Unfortunately, yesterday’s winner was an orange-skinned clown by the name of Donald Drumpf.

The New Yorker reports: Shortly after 9:30 P.M., Eastern Time, Chris Christie stepped up to the lectern, in his new role as Trump’s endorser and warm-up act, and said, “Tonight is the beginning of Donald Trump bringing the Republican Party together for a big victory this November.” By then, Trump had already been declared the winner in Alabama, Georgia, Massachusetts, Tennessee, and Virginia. (Subsequently, he added Arkansas and Vermont to his tally.) Ted Cruz had been named the winner in Oklahoma and in Texas, his home state. Marco Rubio, who spent the past six days describing Trump as a con artist with an oversized ego and undersized hands, hadn’t won a state. (Later on, he won the Minnesota caucus.)

You gotta wonder how many Big Macs Chris Christie sacrificed to Satan to get the new job as Trump’s hype-man, once he knew he couldn’t win the presidency.

On one hand, it’s really interesting to see just how much people hate regular politicians this election cycle.  Marco Rubio was supposed to be the poster-child for the GOP: he’s a part of the establishment, he’s enough of a minority to win some votes there, he’s voted along party lines (on the occasion he’s actually shown up to vote,) and he’s done nothing but call Trump a con-man and a carnival barker since he joined the race!  All things considered he should be the clear winner.

Instead, his attachment to the Republican establishment has done nothing but hurt his chances.  Instead of another cardboard cutout politician, they’d rather have Trump.  People want Donald “Ban The Muslims” Trump over Marco Rubio!  If Trump weren’t so scarily close to winning I’d find this kind of funny.