NRA Rewrites Children’s Stories

“Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!”

*Cocks gun*  “Get off my lawn!”

The NRA: an organization designed to defend the 2nd amendment, and now doubles as a children’s book publisher.  The National Rifle Association’s “NRA Family” website has lately been posting popular children’s fairy tales.  These stories come with a twist, however.  They’ve been rewritten to give the stories’ characters firearms.

These “Glock’s Fairytales” have been written by an author by the name of Amelia Hamilton.  She’s also published a series of “Growing Patriots” children’s books, which teach children about U.S. History, the Constitution, and other Americanisms.  Hamilton teamed up with the NRA to rewrite the fairy tales.  So far, she’s given a weaponized twist to Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel.  Here’s an excerpt from one:

The wolf leaned in, jaws open wide, then stopped suddenly. Those big ears heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun’s safety being clicked off. Those big eyes looked down and saw that grandma had a scattergun aimed right at him. He realized that Grandmother hadn’t been backing away from him; she had been moving towards her shotgun to protect herself and her home.

“I don’t think I’ll be eaten today,” said Grandma, “and you won’t be eating anyone again.”

Grandma kept her gun trained on the wolf, who was too scared to move.

Thanks to Amelia Hamilton and the NRA, we can now tell our children Tarantino-esque bedtime stories.  According to Hamilton, a weaponized “Three Little Pigs” is in the works.  Personally, I’m hoping for one of my favorite limericks from childhood to be rewritten, Jack and Jill:

Jack and Jill went up to the hill

to buy a box of ammo,

Jack fell down, his gun went “POW!”

and Jill’s brains came tumbling out of her.

Up Jack got, and home did trot

as fast as he could caper,

To a man named Cleese, who cleaned his piece

with vinegar and brown paper.