Florida Man Stole $7b Because Jesus Wanted Him to be Rich

“Do not wear yourself out to get rich; do not trust your own cleverness. Instead do the easy thing and steal!” – Proverbs 23:4…ish.

Florida man John Michael Haskew was arrested. Now, I know whenever I see “Florida man” in the headlines I get excited. “Florida man” does the craziest stuff and the stories are always entertaining! So what did Mr. Haskew do? Apparently, it was to steal seven billion dollars! To put that in layman’s terms, he stole two tickets to Disney World and then a large bag of popcorn from the park.

Mr. Haskew was out of work and had some debts to pay back. Like many people down on their luck, he turned to religion. God had a different message for him, it seemed.

The Huffington Post reports: His alleged scheme was to provide a bank routing number that wasn’t his, according to NBC Miami.

Haskew used that routing number to make more than 70 transactions worth more than $7 billion.

According to the complaint, Haskew told agents he was “self-taught on the banking industry,” including how to make the fraudulent wire transfers.

Haskew allegedly told investigators that he believed he deserved the money, stating that “Jesus Christ created wealth for everyone,” according to WFTV.com.

Investigators said Haskew told them he believed his wire transfer scheme would allow him to “obtain the wealth that Jesus Christ created for him and that belonged to him,” the complaint said.

Jesus was unavailable for comment on this matter.

He took a plea deal and admitted guilt to one count of “making a false statement to the federal judge,” which is way worse than billions worth of fraud! Mr. Haskew faces five years in prison and a $250,000 fine. I wouldn’t worry if I were him, though. If recent history has taught us anything its that nobody goes to jail for bank fraud in this country!

Of course, one has to wonder where he’s going to find that $250,000… Come to think of it, there’s actually a bible verse for this! Proverbs 3:27 says “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.” All this guy has to do is start shouting that at people until they give him the money he needs! It’s in the Bible, it can’t fail!



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