Parachutes Unnecessary … As Long as The Plane Stays on The Ground

Parachutes, in theory, are supposed to make falling out of an airplane a survivable event. A recent study by people from the Harvard Medical School has shown that they’re unnecessary, however! The odds of you surviving a jump from an airplane are just the same regardless of whether or not you’re wearing a parachute … Of course, that’s assuming the airplane you jump from never leaves the ground.

Tech Times reports: In an experiment, Robert Yeh, from Harvard Medical School, and colleagues recruited 23 people to find out if parachutes are effective at preventing injuries and death in people falling out of an airplane.

Half of the participants jumped out of the planes with parachutes while the other half jumped out with just empty bags strapped to their back.

And then one participant, a wascally cartoon rabbit, jumped out of the plane with a backpack stuffed with a grand piano.

The findings showed that the parachutes made no difference in the odds of the participants of living or dying.

While the experiment may sound dangerous, the researchers did not actually make people jump out of a fast moving aircraft thousands of feet up in the air. No one would be foolish enough to participate in a study with such a dangerous setting.

I don’t know. If you go around a college campus during finals week I’m willing to bet you’ll find a fair share of suicidal people.

The study only tested the effectiveness of parachutes on people falling just a few feet toward the ground from a plane that was not moving at all.

The researchers said the real reason why they did not find any change in the death rate is because no one died from the experiment. Who dies from just jumping out of a plane parked on the ground?

That depends entirely on how you land!


Exposed Graves Not Cemetery’s Problem, Apparently

South Carolina has been dealing with quite a bit of stormy weather, recently. The city of Charleston has been dealing with flooding and all kinds of property damage. There are some unspoken victims of this bad weather, too. The reason they are unspoken is mostly because they can’t speak. Several graves in downtown Charleston have been exposed because of the bad weather. This has raised an important question, as well as some deceased people: Who’s problem is this?

WCSC reports: The operators of the cemetery where flooding from heavy rains popped open grave vaults and exposed 10 caskets say they aren’t responsible for fixing the graves.

The damaged graves were reported Sunday at Monrovia Cemetery in downtown Charleston.

South Carolina law says the cemetery is supposed to report exposed graves to the county coroner, but the Charleston County Coroner’s Office says they cemetery hasn’t reported these floating vaults, yet.

“Sir, do you know about the exposed graves?”

“Nope, never heard of it.”

“But I just told you about them.”

“I’m not listening.”

Some of the emotional family members said the way this situation is being treated is heartbreaking.

“I want to move her,” Jamaria Myers, who also has loved ones buried in the cemetery said. “I asked if I can. They said, ‘You would disturb her peace,’ but technically shes already out of the ground.”

Just let her be, if you want my opinion! The miniature water park that the cemetery has turned into is the most fun she’s probably had in years!

A man who answered the phone at the cemetery office said an act of God caused this, so “God is responsible” for fixing the damaged graves. The man, who would not give his name, also said the loved ones shouldn’t be worried because these people are dead and do not have a voice, so why should it matter?

To summarize: Idgaf.

This story has only reinforced my desire to be cremated after I’m gone: There won’t be any body left to get waterlogged. Besides, if my remains are disturbed by bad weather, it’s nothing that a vacuum can’t fix! Problem solved!

Sex Offender Serves as Grand Marshal of Mississippi Christmas Parade

To be fair, they tried to find someone who wasn’t a sex offender or a drug addict … but it’s Mississippi.

The town of Sardis, Mississippi held their annual Christmas parade last Tuesday. Anybody who has lived in a small town knows how big of a deal Christmas parades can be. Everybody, and I mean everybody, turns out for those parades. Local businesses get banners on the sides of trailers, the school’s marching band goes through town, the mayor will be sitting on top of a convertible car and waving at everybody, you get the mental image. No matter the small town, the parades are generally all the same. However, the Sardis Christmas parade was a little bit unique because of it’s parade marshall: A local and well known sex offender.

WREG reports: Michael Saripkin presided over the Sardis Christmas parade Tuesday.

Now, before we continue, let’s try to hold off on the judgement. Maybe this guy made a huge mistake in his past, but has tried to make himself into a better person?

Saripkin was convicted in Tennessee of sexual battery in 1990 and statutory rape in 1997. In 2013, he was convicted in Mississippi of inappropriately touching a child.

Oh, never mind. He’s got three strikes against him … except this isn’t baseball.

Store owner Carolyn Whaley says she knew of Saripkin’s past but didn’t object to the honor. She says Saripkin has donated money to civic causes and encouraged businesses to move to Sardis.

Officials with the city of Sardis and the Chamber of Commerce couldn’t be reached for comment. The Sardis Chamber of Commerce holds the parade.

“So, did you guys know he’s a pedophile?”

“Yeah, but he supports local businesses!”

“I think ‘shop local’ means something entirely different to a sex offender.”

And before we close, I would just like everybody to take a look at this guy’s mugshot. Why do people with the label “sex offender” always look like sex offenders? It’s a chicken-or-the-egg situation: Which came first, the creepy look, or the creepy sex life?


Sex offender serves as grand marshal of Mississippi town’s Christmas parade

Chocolate River Closes Road in Germany

Only in Germany … Actually, I take that back. Only in Germany, or in Willy Wonka’s factory!

A road in the German town of Westönnen was closed on Monday due to a rather unexpected traffic obstruction. Now, anybody who has ever lived in a small town knows how inconvenient any road closure can be, as well as how long it can take for city officials to actually fix the road. So, what closed the road? Pot holes? Car wreck? Herd of deer just standing around? Apparently, it was none of the above. It was a river of chocolate.

The BBC reports: The road was closed in the western town of Westönnen late on Monday after a tank of chocolate in a factory spilled and poured into the street.

The chocolate quickly solidified. About 10 sq m (108 sq ft) was cleared by 25 firefighters using shovels, hot water and blowtorches.

Employees of the DreiMeister factory also helped with the sugary emergency.

“Despite this heartbreaking incident, it is unlikely that a chocolate-free Christmas is imminent,” the fire department said.

Oh, good! I was worried.

Also, because I’m sure you were curious, here is some live footage of a local resident of the town trying to cross the street when the chocolate tank exploded:


James Bond Has a Drinking Problem

Suave, brave, intelligent, severe substance dependence, James Bond really is a man’s man!

When someone thinks of the word “spy,” odds are the image that comes to your head is James Bond. And what does James Bond look like in your mind’s eye? He’s probably wearing a suit or tuxedo, holding a gun in one hand and a drink in the other. James Bond loves booze almost as much as he loves seducing women (and playing STD roulette.) Fortunately for us, thanks to some bored researchers with too much free time, we now know exactly how much James Bond drinks! Shocking news, it’s probably too much.

Fox News reports: Martini-loving spy James Bond has a severe drinking problem and should seek help, researchers argue in a new paper titled “License to Swill.”

“There is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem at the ‘severe’ end of the spectrum,” wrote the researchers from the University of Otago in New Zealand in the paper published Monday in the Medical Journal of Australia.

During his six decades on screen, a drink touched the secret agent’s lips 109 times at an average of 4.5 times per movie, the researchers found.

The dashing spook’s biggest binge was in 2008’s “Quantum of Solace,” where he downed six of his signature Vesper Martinis.

“It’sh not a drinking problem! I jusht had a really sthressful day at work, ish all.”

(Drunk voice or Sean Connery voice? You decide!)

This feat would put his blood alcohol level at 0.36, researchers estimated — well into the range that can be fatal.

You know … That could explain why so many different actors have played James Bond through cinematic history. All the old ones keep dying of liver failure!

Woman Married to “Pirate Ghost” Says They’re Divorcing

That’s so sad. “Until Death Do Us Part” just doesn’t mean anything any more!

I don’t even have a funnier intro for this story than that, so let’s just get right to it!

Fox 32 Chicago reports: An Irish woman who married the ghost of a dead pirate now says they are getting a divorce.

The Irish Mirror reports that Amanda Teague, 46, married a Haitian pirate named Jack last year. At the time, she called him her “soulmate.”

Dang it! I can’t make a “soulmate” pun, it’s too obvious now!

Jack was allegedly executed for thievery on the high seas in the 1700s. Teague married him while in a boat.

Was the boat part necessary for marrying the ghost? I thought being a ghost meant you could sort of travel anywhere. Would a pirate really want to stick close to the ocean after all these centuries? But, who knows? Maybe I’m putting more thought into this story than it’s really worth …

Alcohol Banned on Trains for SantaCon

Oh, you better watch out

You better not drive

You better not pout

I’m telling you why

Drunk Santa is coming to town!

Conventions, or “cons” as the kids are calling them these days, are always popular for any kind of fan club. Comic Con is popular for fans of superheroes and comic books, there are conventions for video games, and board games, and just about any kind of niche group you could think of. Speaking of which, SantaCon is coming up in New York soon. Yes, SantaCon. And apparently, guessing by new rules banning alcohol on trains, it gets kind of rowdy.

ABC 7 reports: SantaCon is coming to town, and several railroads are banning booze in hopes of reining in the holiday spirit.

Metro-North and the LIRR will ban alcoholic beverages from noon Saturday until noon Sunday.

NJ Transit is following suit by banning alcohol all day Saturday.

SantaCon, a bar crawl in which people dress up as Santa Claus, officially kicks off at 10 a.m.

I guess Rudolph won’t be the only one with a red nose!