I’m Moving

Hey everybody!

So, you might be wondering why I haven’t been writing any stories here lately. I know “I’m busy” is my go-to response, but it’s especially true this time!

I’ve accepted a job in Wrangell, Alaska! It’s a chance to see a new part of the world and to further my journalism career that’s really exciting for me. Of course, I also have to move almost 4,000 miles away to get this job. So the past few weeks have been filled with me packing, getting housing set up, more packing, figuring out how to get a dog on an airplane, and even more packing.

My flight to Alaska leaves on July 17th, and it’s probably going to take a few days to get my bearings afterwards. So think of this as just a summer break for the blog. I’m not giving up on this hobby (and I’m going to need something like this to stay sane, probably) so just be patient! I’ll see y’all soon!


Israel Stealing Clouds From Iran, Claims General

Jews: They secretly control the global economy, are behind the “new world order,” have agents inside every government, and now apparently can control the weather. And yet, somehow, they’ve managed to be persecuted for almost their entire existence!

Iran has never exactly been on good terms with Israel (just a short summary of Middle Eastern current events for you, right there.) There are numerous political and religious differences between the two nations that keep them at odds with each other. Now, according to one Iranian general, there is now another reason for the two countries to hate one another. According to him, Israel causing climate change and stealing Iran’s clouds.

Newsweek reports: Brigadier General Gholam Reza Jalali, head of Iran’s Civil Defense Organization, revealed the charges during an agricultural conference in the capital city of Tehran. He claimed Iranian scientific centers have proven that Israel and an unnamed neighboring country were secretly cooperating to extract the moisture out of clouds bound to pass over Iran, thus robbing the country of rain and snow.

So, I’m a little bit confused. How does one go about stealing clouds? Does Israel have a gigantic vacuum cleaner that they point into the air and suck up all the clouds? Or do they send out their jet planes with large nets? I can’t decide which mental image is funnier, and therefore can’t decide which is more realistic!

“Joint teams from Israel and one of the neighboring countries make the clouds entering into Iran barren. Moreover, we are faced with the cases of cloud theft and snow theft,” Jalali said, according to a translation reported by Iran’s semi-official Tasnim News Agency of comments featured by the Iranian Students’ News Agency.

So Israel isn’t working alone, then? It’s them and “one of the neighboring countries.” I wonder who it could be? There are just so many countries in the Middle East with the technological capabilities to steal clouds!

Jalali’s claims were quickly contradicted, however, by the director general of the Weather Forecast and Early Warning Office at the official Iran Meteorological Organization, Ahad Vazife. He said that he was confused as to the source material that the general was referencing and asserted that the entire region was being affected by a drought, not just Iran.

“Perhaps they have documents in this regard, and I’m not in the pipeline, but based on meteorological information, there is no possibility that a country will steal snow or clouds,” Vazife told the Iranian Students’ News Agency in a follow-up piece, adding that, if it was possible for a country to steal clouds, the U.S. would not be suffering its own water shortage because Washington would just steal it from other countries in its vapor form.

Hey! We don’t steal things, we liberate them! There’s a difference!


Man Injured by Exploding Camera Shoe

These boots were made for walking … and perving … and exploding … and that’s just what they will do!

A Wisconsin man was injured after a camera installed in his shoe blew up. The man had a camera in his shoe for the reasons we all would have one in our shoes: To take upskirt photos without being caught. Of course, having your camera explode isn’t exactly a good way to stay subtle.

The BBC reports: The 32-year-old had installed the device to take illicit photographs of women under their skirts.

Local police say he handed himself in but was not charged because he had not taken any images or video before the camera battery exploded.

I suppose if a camera exploded in my shoe, I would just give up, as well. “Ok, yeah, maybe being a creep on the bus isn’t the life for me.”

Madison Police Chief Mike Koval wrote about the unusual incident on a blog published on Tuesday.

“When the explosion happened, he got treatment for minor burns, then disclosed what happened to his mentor, a clergyman,” Officer David Dexheimer told the Wisconsin State Journal newspaper.

The man then reportedly handed himself into police reporting a “sex offence”.

But the blog added that the investigation into the incident was continuing.

I suppose since he didn’t get any pictures (or at least didn’t get any that survived the explosion) it would be an “attempted sex offense”? I don’t know the proper legalese for that.


Canadian Couples Loses Child Custody After Using Stuffed Animal to Talk to God

“Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died–more than that, who was raised to life–is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.” – Romans 8:34

… I guess it depends on your interpretation, but I don’t see anything there about using a stuffed animal as your lawyer.

A British Columbia couple has lost custody of their child after it the court determined they were just a little bit insane. The custody trial involved highlights such as the couple speaking in tongues and using a toy lion, supposedly through which God was speaking, to act as their defense lawyer.

These are not the only examples of weirdness this couple has demonstrated, though! It gets much more interesting than that.

The Vancouver Sun reports: Both parents were raised in Christian homes, she in Ontario and he in B.C., but strayed from their roots until reconnecting with their beliefs as adults. They met in 2014 and shared a mutual interest in their own emerging view of the Christian faith and were privately married a year later, court heard.

They had unstable working and living arrangements, moving around various communities in B.C., court heard. Their views started interfering with their relationships with others, including Christian communities. Several churches banned them and even called police for assistance when the couple set out to “purge churches of evil influences,” according to court records.

If you want to run around purging heresy, you should become Catholic … or at least get into the “Warhammer 40k” games.

At one point, after the birth of their child, they were criminally charged with causing a disturbance after police were called to a church in West Kelowna where the parents were trying to cleanse demonic influences, court heard.

Considering this is in Canada, couldn’t those “demonic influences” have just been some geese? Those things are pretty evil.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, this story about a family losing custody of their child has some dark undertones to it.

After the woman found she was pregnant, she told a social worker her husband sometimes choked her to make her stop crying, had once tied her hands and covered her mouth with tape, which scared her, and occasionally beat her, court heard.

She told the worker her husband grew up in a cult and believes sexual relations between children should be encouraged and that they “role-play” sins where she plays the victim and he plays the perpetrator, court heard.

When interviewed by police about the allegations, she denied them. Her husband said that once, when he was frustrated with her and had had a few drinks, he put one hand over her throat and the other over her mouth.

After the birth of their daughter, the parents refused all medical tests and procedures for her, including a hearing test, blood test, eye drops and a vitamin K shot. The mother also said she was unwilling to have her vaccinated.

The mother applied to change her daughter’s name to Jesus JoyoftheLord and her own first name to Risen Lord Jesus, her middle name to Refinersfire and her last name to Christ (with a hyphenation including her real name.)

You know real-life names aren’t the same as YouTube channel names, right?

“What’s up? Refinersfire here! Today we’re going to purge some demons from a church! But first, make sure to hit that subscribe button and to check out my Patreon page!”

And now we get to the actual trial over custody of this kid…

When their child custody case came to court, the couple refused legal aid.

They said they had legal help, however, which came in the formed of a stuffed lion. During trial, the couple spoke to the lion in non-discernible words, presented as “speaking in tongues,” and said that through the lion they heard directly from God.

They said Jesus Christ was their “lawyer, witness and judge.”

But … But that’s not what that means …

When they cross-examined witnesses, they told each witness that their lawyer Jesus was asking the questions through them.

“Your honor, I’d like to declare a mistrial! Mr. Jesus Christ never passed the bar exam, and he is not licensed to be a lawyer!”

In the end, the judge did not find them to be credible and ruled in favour of the ministry and placed the baby in continuing care. The parents appealed that decision, claiming it infringed on their religious freedoms “as Christian parents.”

As a Christian, I gotta admit I sure don’t recognize your brand of “Christianity.” The Christians I was raised around generally didn’t speak in tongues (or to stuffed animals), didn’t try to change their names to religious catchphrases, got me vaccinated, and didn’t run around trying to purge demons from churches.

But who knows? Maybe I’m the one who’s doing the whole “religion” thing wrong.


Self Defense Keychain Illegal in Texas

Texas: A magical land where everybody has a gun, and swords are legal to carry, but a self defense keychain is just too dangerous!

The world is a scary place, and my people are looking for ways to protect themselves. Some people take self defense classes, others get a conceal-carry permit, and still others start carrying pepper spray or other self defense items in their pockets. It’s this last group of people who have recently discovered that, thanks to a law against brass knuckles in the state of Texas, certain keychain accessories can get them into lots of trouble. One such accessory, for example, is a little plastic cat with sharp, pointy ears.

Fox 26 reports: The Travis County Sheriff’s Office said brass knuckles are growing in popularity amongst women. But many don’t even know they own one and it can lead to a hefty fine or even land them in jail. 

Travis County Captain Craig Smith said the weapon is growing in popularity especially among women who are trying to protect themselves. He said most consumers are purchasing it because of the look. 

“They’re buying it to take care of themselves in the event that they are attacked. It just blends into the keychain when you take a look closer it’s a novelty item it looks like a cat.  I saw some are cats some are dogs and even a pig,” said Smith.

Smith said looks can be misleading.

“They’re pretty sharp it’s a hard plastic I saw some that are actually made out of metal and it’s not going to bend it’s not going to give.  It’s going to just penetrate the skin the eyes or where ever else. Once you got it in your hands now there’s a lot of force behind it that can inflict injury,” said Smith.

Well I kind of assume that’s the point, to inflict injury.

Under Section 46.05 of the Texas Penal Code it outlines weapons that are prohibited to possess in Texas. 

If your caught in possession of a self-defense kitty or dog keychain here in the state of Texas a person can be looking at a class A misdemeanor up to 1 year in jail or a $4,000 fine or both. 

So how would that conversation go, once you’re in prison?

“So what are you in for?”

“Drugs. What about you?”

“I killed a man with a plastic kitty cat.”

Nobody is going to mess with you after that!


Man Sentenced for Attempting to Seduce Undercover Cop With Chicken Alfredo

Who doesn’t love a romantic, candlelit dinner with some delicious Italian food? Underage children (or undercover cops), that’s who!

An Ohio man is facing jail time for attempting to solicit an underage child online. Aside from the usual attempts at seducing a child (don’t ask me what those are because I have NO clue) he planned to bribe the kid with some pasta and soda.

NBC4i reports: An Ashtabula County man who tried to seduce an underage victim with Chicken Alfredo and Sprite will serve seven days in the county jail.

Albert Maruna, now 23, was arrested in an Austintown sex sting back in December.

He thought he was talking to a 15-year-old boy online, but it was actually an undercover Austintown police officer.


Maruna arranged to meet the officer in Austintown. He planned to bring lubricant, Sprite and Chicken Alfredo to the date.

He’ll be on house arrest for 120 days and will have to register as a Tier One sex offender.

You know when peoples’ mugshots pop up on TV and you think “That’s exactly what I imagine that type of criminal looking like”? That’s the reaction I had with this guy. Doesn’t he look exactly like the kind of guy who loves Chicken Alfredo and little kids?

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Kindergarten Uses Nursery Rhymes to Prep Students for School Shooting

Nursery rhymes always have been, and always will be, super creepy. Every horror movie has a ghost singing a nursery rhyme right before they go on a murder-spree. In real life, those little songs have a creepy history, as well. In case you didn’t know, “Ring Around the Rosie” is actually about the Black Plague. “Three Blind Mice” is about Queen Mary I murdering people. Oh, and “London Bridge is Falling Down” is a bit self explanatory.

Luckily for us, the tradition of using nursery rhymes to give a creepy peek into our society is still going strong! Because of all the school shootings going on, one Boston-area kindergarten is using nursery rhymes to teach kids how to survive a lockdown.

Pedestrian reports: A US mother has shared a confronting image from her daughter’s prospective kindergarten classroom, showing the instructions for a lockdown drill put to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Lockdown, lockdown
Lock the door

Shut the lights off
Say no more

Go behind the desk and hide
Wait until it’s safe inside

Lockdown, lockdown
It’s all done

Now it’s time to have some fun!

Well, I can’t wait to see that little ditty pop up in a horror movie!

In a follow-up message, Cohen said her child “was excited about [a drill] as a game to see if you can stay quiet for “one whole minute.””

Huh, well I guess there is one good thing about all this. If you can get a kindergartener to be quiet for a whole minute, I guess nursery rhymes aren’t all that bad!