Man Arrested for Smuggling $22k in Gold in His Rear

Not the usual type of nuggets one would expect to find down there…

A Sri Lankan man, on his way to India, got held up at the airport. Now, we’ve all gotten stuck at the airport, and it sucks. The lines are long, nobody is ever really helpful, and there’s the stress of being behind schedule. Now imagine you have almost $22,000 in gold up your a$$. That’s uncomfortable!

The International Business Times reports: The 45-year-old suspect was carrying gold weighing up to 1kg and was held after one of the customs officials found him walking suspiciously. He was bound for India but was stopped at Colombo’s international airport.

“Walking suspiciously.” That’s a polite way to say it.

The official then checked the man using metal detectors and identified the hidden luggage, “carefully packed in polythene bags and neatly inserted”.

Well of course it was neatly inserted! That’s not something you just jam in there!

“Among that there were four yellow gold biscuits, three pieces of yellow gold, six yellow gold jewellery articles and two silver plated yellow gold jewellery articles,” a customs spokesman told The BBC.

I’m not sure what would be more upsetting, getting stuck with the job with butt smuggling, or failing at your butt smuggling job. If I’m going to go through an ordeal like that at least I want to get paid at the end, not jail time!

… Then again, if I do get caught with a bunch of stuff up my butt I guess I’m awfully prepared for prison life.


Video Game That Kills Nazis Angers Alt-Right

Who knew that the superior race could be so easily offended?

For those of you not familiar with video games, Wolfenstein is built on a very simple premise: Kill Nazis. The franchise could be loosely categorized as historical fiction or alternate history, but really all it’s about is blood, gore, and killing Nazis.

Considering we actually did this in real life back in the ’40s, one would think this wouldn’t be too controversial, huh? Maybe some of the “video games cause violence” people would complain, but who could possibly be personally offended by Wolfenstein?

Well, the answer, apparently, is nazis!

Newsweek reports: “Make America Nazi-Free Again. #NoMoreNazis #Wolf2,” reads a tweet from the video game’s account, alongside a trailer for the upcoming release.

The video is brief, just 13 seconds long, but shows heavily armored, mask-wearing, jackbooted soldiers marching through the streets under Nazi flags. “Not my America,” reads the text over the top of the images.

A certain subgroup of folks got angry online with the game-maker, Bethesda Softworks, for producing a product that thinks Nazis are bad. Many claimed they weren’t angry about the anti-Nazi stance per se, but rather that the game was tapping into liberal anger. Certainly it is political to co-opt President Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” slogan, but Bethesda Softworks is hardly the first one to play with the line made famous by the billionaire Republican. 

You can see the tweet here, as well as some of the replies:

Screen Shot 2017-10-09 at 10.22.15 PM


So apparently the Wolfenstein franchise, which has its origins back in the very early days of gaming itself, is a direct attack on Trump/conservatism? Who knew! Those videogame creators are really forward thinking!

It’s not that nazis are (almost) universally recognized as stereotypical “bad guys,” it’s the liberal, gun/freedom hating media that’s brainwashing us with a video game full of guns and fighting for freedom!

Teen Goes to Homecoming With $600 Mum

Everything is bigger in Texas. This is true of many aspects of Texan culture. Our hats are bigger, our guns are bigger, and our over-the-top high school traditions are bigger!

In Texas, high school students wear mums to homecoming. These are big, ornate things made of flowers, ribbons, and sometimes stuffed animals. In true Texas tradition, these mums can get huge. Some of you may ask ‘can a mum be too big?’ An Alvarado high school student answered that question. Apparently it’s ‘No.’

Texas Hill Country reports: WFAA reports that Brittany Eicker of Alvarado High School went above and beyond for her special order mum she commissioned from Mums By Lisa. It took 15 hours to make, and $600 to purchase. But to Eicker, the price was totally worth spending the money she collected from working two jobs. She wanted something special for her senior year, and she knew her own mum making skills wouldn’t reach the heights she dreamed of, which measured about 5′ in length!

After all, what good is a mum if you can’t hide from your awkward date behind it?


Skip the Ambulance if You Want to Live

“911? I need an ambulance!”

“Is it serious?”

“I’m calling 911 aren’t I?”

“Then you really don’t need an ambulance.”

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to get to the hospital, your first instinct may be to call an ambulance. Of course, after a second you may rethink this. Ambulances are very expensive, after all. Can you afford one?

A second reason you may want to drive yourself to the doctor is because you have a better chance of surviving.

Arstechnica reports: A mad dash to the hospital in a private ride—the scoop and run—may be better for survival than waiting for emergency responders, Johns Hopkins researchers report. In fact, stabbing and gunshot victims who caught their own lift to the hospital were 62 percent less likely to die than those who called for an ambulance.

(Also, those capable of driving themselves were possibly less likely to die than those who needed an ambulance, but surely that’s just extraneous data.)

The finding fits with the obvious fact that time is vital to trauma victims. But slicing deeper, it suggests that for those with such “penetrating injuries,” sophisticated prehospital interventions are of limited value. It may just be all about timing. Thus, healthcare systems may better serve their communities by adopting “scoop and run” over “stay and stabilize”-type policies for these trauma patients.

With the data adjusted for death risks, the researchers found that trauma victims who arrived in a private vehicle were 62 percent less likely to die than similarly injured patients who arrived in an ambulance. Splitting the injury types, those with gunshot wounds were 55 percent less likely to die, and those with stab wounds were 68 percent less likely to die if they arrived in a private vehicle. The association held up for all but the most minor injuries.

Tl;Dr: If you get shot or stabbed, getting to the hospital quick is more important than how you get to the hospital.

Keep that in mind next time you get into a gang fight! If you’re hurt, get yourself to the hospital! If you can’t drive, find someone who can. Call an Uber, maybe? I’m not sure if Uber or an ambulance would be faster…

Woman Arrested in ‘Killer Clown’ Cold Case

Clowns: The pinnacle of something that does the exact opposite of its intended job.

A woman by the name of Sheila Warren was recently arrested for an almost 30-year-old murder. There are a number of circumstances that make this crime story really interesting.

First off, it’s a cold case from Florida. Anything from Florida is going to be fascinating!

Secondly, the murder was committed because of a love triangle. So we have blood and sex, two of the biggest things journalists love to write about!

Lastly, Warren committed the murder while dressed as a clown.

Interested? I know I am.

NBC reports: Sheila Keen Warren, 54, was arrested without incident in Washington County, Virginia, on a charge of first-degree murder with use of a firearm in the killing of Marlene Warren, 40 — her current husband’s previous wife — in 1990, officials said Tuesday.

Warren had been a suspect in the murder almost from the beginning, but prosecutors never had enough evidence to charge her until new technology allowed them to retest DNA evidence after the cold case was reopened in 2014.

Marlene Warren was shot in the face when she answered the front door of her home in Wellington, near West Palm Beach, and was confronted by a brown-eyed woman carrying balloons and wearing a clown costume and an orange clown wig on May 26, 1990, authorities said.

Maybe this is all just a misunderstanding? Perhaps Sheila Warren meant to hit her with a squirt gun?

Detectives said they were told as early as four months after the murder thatMichael and Sheila had been having an affair and that Warren had paid rent for Keen’s apartment after she separated from her first husband.

“Any murder’s horrific. It doesn’t matter whether you’re wearing a clown costume or not,” Palm Beach County sheriff’s Sgt. Richard McAfee said at a news conference Tuesday.

True… but the clown costume does make it just a little bit funny.

Well, let this be a lesson to all of us! If we’re going to kill someone, we have two choices: Dress as inconspicuously as possible, or dress so bizarrely nobody will be able to figure out who did it (at least for 27 years.)

Bad internet = no news

Hey, everyone! I got some bad news, as in I’m not reporting on any news today. I’m typing this up at work real quick to let you know. I couldn’t get any internet connection at home this morning, so I couldn’t get anything written or published.

Sorry! Hopefully we’ll be back to normal tomorrow!

Life can be depressing

What with Puerto Rico (and lots of other areas hit by hurricanes), Tom Petty dying, and now Las Vegas, life sure can be depressing sometimes?

You know how many times I’ve heard the phrase “worst shooting in U.S. history” in my lifetime? It’s not a competition, people!

Anyways, instead of spreading doom and gloom around by talking about the shooting, I decided to spread some cheer!

Here’s a variety of good news and cute animals I’ve stumbled across on the internet:

GoFundMe campaign for Las Vegas victims raises millions


Ohio State to make college tuition-free for low and moderate income students


Well, hope this could make you smile a little bit, at least. See y’all tomorrow!