No Evidence Robot Sex is Healthy

You would think with all the electrical wiring and turning gears, people would be more cautious about having sex with a robot. Wouldn’t it be like poking your finger into a light socket, but much, much worse?

In this age of technology, the sex industry has seen incredible advancement. Back in the dark ages people had to go out to a club and try to be attractive or interesting to get laid. Not any more! We now have sex-bots, who we don’t have to woo to get in their pants. We just have to literally “turn them on.”

Many people in the sex robot industry claim that they are creating healthy companions for lonely people. However, the medical community has some differing opinions, as they can find no evidence to suggest having sex with a machine is good for you.

USA Today reports: There’s no evidence showing how the dolls impact health, according to Susan Bewley, an obstetrician at King’s College London and Chantal Cox-George, a doctor at St. George’s University Hospitals, also in the British capital. The two analyzed medical journals and general online searches for any primary data relating to health aspects of sex robots and came up short. 

“There are a number of health claims being made, but without foundation,” Bewley told USA TODAY.

The report, published in BMJ (formerly the British Medical Journal) Sexual and Reproductive Health, examined if sex robots promote safer sex, have therapeutic value, or have potential to treat pedophiles and sex offenders, as some creators have claimed. It found that all of these theories have not been proven. 

Of course, this leads you to wonder how they tested these theories. Did anyone involved in this study physically get in bed with a robot? After all, the phrase is “don’t knock it ’till you try it.”

“We call for more research in this sphere,” the report states. “Future health studies might include medical observations, case reports, and measurement of visual and neural responses of users, alongside evidence of the impact of robots, and sexbots in particular, in the education, criminal justice and social science sectors.”

Riiiggghhhttt… more “research” into sex-bots. You pervy doctors, you!

Ok, so maybe having sex with a robot isn’t completely satisfying. Maybe people should try having relationships with them, instead of it just being a pure sex thing? Take your ro out for dinner some night, maybe go dancing? Treat It can only strengthen your relationship if you put some work into it!


Why I’ve been so absent

Hey everybody!

You may have noticed that I’ve been really spotty on posting here lately. It’s been a really crazy few weeks/months. Work has been hectic as always and, frankly, finding news I can make jokes about has gotten tougher this past year. There’s a whole lot of stuff going on that’s really not fun, just depressing. As a reporter I can’t exactly stop paying attention to the news, but I sure wish I could some days.

But on the bright side, summer is usually kind of a slow period at work. This means I should have a little more time to recuperate and get back on track with this blog! I’m planning on spending this weekend getting a bunch of stories ready for the future. Things may not be as funny as they used to be, but they still are plenty stupid!

Thank y’all for your patience! See you soon!

Middle Schoolers Gifted Bulletproof Backpack Panels for High School

Graduations are times to look back on achievements, for family to celebrate together, and to look towards the future. The future is always a mystery, and you never know what’s in store. For a bunch of middle schoolers in Pennsylvania, however, there is one aspect of the future they’re now better prepared for. Besides, isn’t a bulletproof backpack panel really the only graduation gift that says “we care”?

The Centre Daily Times reports: It’s a gift from company Unequal Technology and its founder Robert Vito, who handed out the shields to students on Monday morning.

He told Chadds Ford Live that the recent spate of school shootings — like the ones in Santa Fe, Texas, and Parkland, Florida — inspired him to create a product that can protect children if a mass shooting ever comes to their town.

“When we saw the epidemic happening in the schools, we decided it was time to do something,” Vito said. “(The panels will) stop the most powerful handguns in the world, .44 magnums, .357 Sigs.”

They have a 100% effectiveness rate, so long as the school shooter never aims for heads, arms, or legs!

The ballistic shields work in both directions, Vito told Chadds Ford Live, meaning students can cover the front of their bodies to protect vital organs or they can insert them in their backpacks in case a shooter fires at them as they try to run away. Each one weighs 20 ounces and are 10-by-12 inches with a quarter-inch of thickness.

He told Fox29 that both handguns and shotguns “are useless against a product like this.”

Vito also said the gift is historic, according to KVOA.

“This is the first time in the history of the United States in which students have been issued ballistic panels,” he said.

If any of these kids have overly competitive relatives, this is going to start getting a little awkward. Aw, thanks for the gift card, nana! Now, what did Aunt Susie get me? Oh, sweet! A full suit of armor!

Virginia Congressional Candidate in Favor of Rape, Pedophilia, Incest

Yes, I said Virginia. Not West Virginia, believe it or not!

With the midterm election coming up, it can seem like everybody and their dog is running for office. Of course, when you look at some of the candidates out there, the dog can be seen as the preferable candidate. This is especially true when you look at Congressional candidate Nathan Larson, running in Virginia as an independant Libertarian. What’s wrong with this guy, other than being a Libertarian? Well, that’s kind of a big question. A short summary: He’s pro-rape, pro-incest, and has admitted to being a pedophile. And that’s the tip of the creepy iceberg!

The Washington Post reports: He believes in instituting a patriarchal system, with women under the authority of men; he supports abolishing age restrictions for marriage and laws against marital rape; he believes that white supremacy is a “system that works,” that Hitler was a “good thing for Germany,” and that incest should be legalized, at least in the context of marriage. And at one point in a conversation with The Post, he seemed to express admiration for the system run by the Taliban in Afghanistan, noting that the country’s birthrate fell as a consequence of increased opportunities for women after the United States’ more than decade-long intervention.

Sure, he wants to bang his relatives, but only in the confines of marriage! You could argue he’s a very pro-family candidate…

Bill Redpath, a Libertarian party official, told The Post that Larson was expelled from the Libertarian Party of Virginia last year.

Man, do you know how far out on the fringe you have to be to get kicked out of the Libertarian Party?!

And we’re not even done with this guy! There’s more craziness to go!

Larson said he considers himself to be part of the “incel movement” and said his views took a turn for the more extreme after an acrimonious divorce.

In 2015, his former wife was granted a restraining order against him after Larson returned to Virginia, where he grew up, from Colorado. And though his ex-wife later committed suicide, a custody battle unfolded for a child of his that she gave birth to after they split up, according to local media accounts. The El Paso County Attorney at the time, Robert Kern, argued successfully that Larson would not be a fit parent, according to the Colorado Springs Independent.

“Hmm… It says here you admit to being an incel, you’re a white supremacist, and you’re against age restrictions for marriage. Yeah, I’m gonna have to say no custody for you.”

Larson also has a criminal record. In 2009, he pleaded guilty to threatening to kill the U.S. president, for which he served 16 months in federal prison and three years of supervision upon his release. In a previous interview with The Post, he called a letter he sent to the Secret Service in 2008 warning of imminent plans to assassinate either President George W. Bush or President Barack Obama, an act of civil disobedience meant to call attention to the tyranny of the U.S. government. He also has a couple of misdemeanor convictions: One for the “use of computer for harassment,” which Larson says was related to a lewd email he sent a woman while he was in college, and two others that pertain to marijuana possession.

Assassinating either Bush or Obama? Don’t nutjobs like that usually fall into the “love one and hate the other” category? Also, threatening to kill the president is a little more serious than “civil disobedience,” in my opinion.

So… yeah. This guy is out there, and he’s running for Congress. I apologize for making your day just slightly worse by giving you that information.

Science Suggests People Fall into 4 Categories When Drunk

I always thought there were two categories to fall into: The floor or the couch.

Go to any wedding reception and you’ll see that the world is made up of all kinds of drunks. You have the guy just so happy to see everyone, you have the guy trying to start a fight, you have the person dancing way too hard, and then you have they guy moping by the bar quietly. Have you ever wondered what causes so many personality shifts among the world’s alcoholic population? Scientists, because they clearly have nothing better to research, have helped find an answer!

TIME reports: Psychology researchers from the University of Missouri at Columbia have published a study in Addiction Research & Theory attempting to bring the conventional wisdom that there are many distinct ways to be drunk to its logical, scientifically-based conclusion. Their study, which involved 374 undergraduates at a large Midwestern university, drew from literature and pop culture in order to conclude that there are four types of drinkers: the Mary Poppins, the Ernest Hemingway, the Nutty Professor and the Mr. Hyde.

First of all, good idea using college students for your alcohol study. Secondly, what’s with the names for these four categories?

The first and largest group — about 40% — was the Ernest Hemingways. Named for the writer who famously boasted that he could “drink hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk,” Hemingways do not exhibit any major changes in personality when they transition from sober to drunk, the study contends.

In contrast, Mary Poppins drinkers follow the “practically perfect in every way” description Poppins bestows on herself in the 1964 movie: they are already outgoing types who somehow get sweeter and happier with alcohol.

After that come the Nutty Professors, named for the chemically-altered academic with a second personality immortalized by Eddie Murphy. They, the study says, are natural introverts who shed their inhibitions with special vigor when they drink, showing a flashier and more social side.

And, lastly, there are the Mr. Hydes: the evil-twin drinkers who are, according to the study, “particularly less responsible, less intellectual, and more hostile when under the influence of alcohol.”

To summarize:

Hemingway drinkers = Just as boring as a Hemingway book.

Mary Poppins drinkers = More than just a spoonfull of sugar.

Nutty Professor drinkers = “She’s really cute. I should go say hi.”

Mr. Hyde drinkers = You’ll see him on Cops one night, probably for beating up the Nutty Professor for flirting with his girlfriend.

Former Romanian Minister Pays Bail in Gold Bars

There’s nothing suspicious about a former politician paying their bail money with solid gold, is there?

Politicians are pretty much the same no matter what country you’re from: Egotistical, controlled by lobbying groups, and corrupt. The only difference between them all is some are better at hiding it. In Romania, for example, a former finance minister who clearly has nothing to hide used gold bars to pay part of his 1 million euro bail.

Euronews reports: A former Romanian finance minister, brought 3 kilograms of gold worth €110,000 EUR and an additional €315.000 in cash to bail himself on corruption charges.

And paying your bail in a gigantic pile of cash and gold bars is a great way to diffuse suspicion of being corrupt!

Sebastian Vladescu, who served two spells in charge of his country’s finances is accused by prosecutors from the National Anticorruption Directorate (DNA) of taking bribes linked to a railway contract. He denies the charges.

For the rest of the €1 million sum, Mr.Vladescu offered real-estate guarantees. The valuables were deposited in an account belonging to the National Anticorruption Directorate according to the institution’s press releases.

Gold and real estate? This guy sure knows how to invest!

Vladescu, who was finance minister between August 2005 and April 2007 and from December 2009 until October 2010 is being investigated for bribery and influence peddling. The charges are linked to a railway revamping contract valued at 820 million EUR. The rehabilitation work covering the railway section between Bucharest and the city port of Constanta took 6 years to complete despite the section being only 225 kilometres long.

Another thing that’s the same no matter what country you’re from: Construction takes FOREVER…

President Under Attack From “Multidimensional Luciferian Advanced Beings”

That’s a bigger mouthful than “The Liberals,” that’s for sure!

Thanks to that capital “R” next to his name on the ballots, President Trump has a fairly secure grip on the Evangelical vote. American Christians have long combined their spiritual beliefs with their political ones (whether or not that’s a good thing for the religion, as a whole, is a debate for another time.) As such, lots of Evangelicals are willing to jump to protect their president. One such Evangelical, Paul McGuire, has warned the public that Trump is undergoing a terrific amount of spiritual warfare against the forces of hell itself.

Dead State reports (The site’s a bit of a left wing rag, so take it with a grain of salt): End Times author Paul McGuire appeared on the Jim Bakker Show and declared that President Trump is currently engulfed in “the greatest spiritual battle in the history of all mankind.” He expanded on his claim on his radio program this Thursday, this time clarifying that the battle is with “advanced beings” who possess “supernatural multidimensional” powers.

“There are people very high up in what is called the globalist occult or globalist Luciferian rulership system, and this rulership system consists of what used to be called the Pharaoh-God Kings, it’s what Aldous Huxley called ‘The Scientific Dictatorship,’ and these are advanced beings who know how to tap into supernatural multidimensional power and integrate it with science, technology, and economics,” he continued.

Combining supernatural magic and science? Where have I seen that before… Oh yeah! That’s Doom!


McGuire even had the hierarchical structure of these advanced beings pegged, saying they are at the “highest level of the pyramidic organizational structure in which the highest ranking officers, if you will, of the New World Order and Mystery Babylon are ruling the earth through an organizational structure that looks like the pyramid on the back of the U.S. dollar.”

So the globalist shadow government is a pyramid scheme? Huh, I think I may have a few friends from college who are a part of it! Also, and this is unrelated, but doesn’t “Mystery Babylon” sound more like a band name instead of a demonic cabal trying to rule the world?