Kentucky Town Elects Fourth Dog Mayor

Gonna take a bite out of corruption, at last! This town’s mayor can wait to sink her teeth into the job. It was a ruff campaign, too! You’re barking up the wrong tree if you’re looking for dirt on this mayor… well, maybe some literal dirt.

The town of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, has recently held an election for mayor. As it turns out, the city’s residents seem to have a good idea on who they want running the show. They have a particular type for their mayor: Short, four legs, and furry. This general description fits the town’s past three mayors, and now their current one, a pitbull named Brynneth Pawltro.

WDRB reports:“She’s very outgoing,” Bobbi Kayser said.

“She has the best smile I’ve ever seen,” Jordie Bamforth said.

“There’s always inappropriate licking going on,” Kayser added.

You might be saying “wait, what?” They’re all talking about a Pitbull.

The treat-loving, woods-exploring, good girl is named Brynneth Pawltro. 

“There was a cat, the chicken, a donkey, a little boy,” Bamforth said.

Brynneth took them all down without much more than a bark. Believe it or not, the pooch is the fourth dog mayor to be unleashed on the city.

“It started in the late 1990s as a fundraiser,” said Kayser, who works with the Rabbit Hash Historical Society. “We charge you a dollar for your vote, You vote as often as you want.”

The town is so small it doesn’t need a real mayor. Usually, the money from the election goes toward town improvements, but this time it helped to repair the General Store after a devastating fire last year.

Here’s hoping that Mayor Pawltro has a good and successful term. I hear her stance on squirrel immigration is pretty tough, but she’s also very lenient when it comes to pets and snacks.

Dracula’s Castle Closed Due to Bears

Not sure what kind of exterminator you call for a bear infestation…

Romania’s Poenari Castle is an important tourist/cultural attraction. Originally built in the 13th century, it was later repaired and occupied by Vlad the Impaler some 200 years later. Much, much, much later after that, this castle inspired Bram Stoker to write Dracula. Suffice to say, that castle has a strong link to the unnerving and scary. Speaking of unnerving and scary: Several hundred pounds of teeth, claws, and muscle.

Fox News reports: …the historic Poenari Castle in Romania was closed to tourists late last month “for the safety of visitors.” Apparently tourists climbing the nearly 1,500 steps to the castle that once belonged to Vlad the Impaler were having close calls with a mama bear and her three cubs.

“People come first, their security and integrity are of concern to us,” Romania-Insider quotes a local official as saying. Officials plan on capturing and relocating the bears once a new home is found for them, the Guardian reports. Police say the bears are in the area because tourists leave food behind.

Romania is home to about 6,000 brown bears, accounting for approximately 60 percent of Europe’s bear population. The largest brown bear ever recorded was caught in Romania and weighed more than 1,000 pounds.

Well, bad news for any of my readers who’re planning to visit Romania! Don’t worry, though, I’m sure the castle will reopen soon. Just try not to think about how both you and 6,000 bears are locked outside the safety of the walls.

Fox News No Longer “Fair and Balanced”


Fox News, media giant and catnip for old people, will be changing logos. Fox News is no longer “Fair and Balanced,” as its slogan has long been. It is now switching to a slightly more Orwellian “Most Watched. Most Trusted.”

Newsweek reports: “The shift has nothing to do with programming or editorial decisions,” a statement from the network read. The decision to change the slogans was taken last August, according to New York Magazine.

Insiders speaking to New York suggested that the slogan is being binned partly because it is too closely associated with Roger Ailes, a former chairman and founder of the network who was fired in August amid a sexual harassment scandal. Ailes died in May this year.

The “Fair & Balanced” slogan was central to the network’s image: Fox News launched in 1996 at a time when many conservative politicians and supporters complained of a supposed “liberal bias” in American media.

Fox News’s slogan suggested that, far from being the biased right-wing outlet that liberal critics described, it was in fact an unbiased outlet among left-slanted competitors.

Such arguments were a point of contention for liberals. But when it comes to the [new] slogan, few would dispute the first part (Most Watched)—Fox News has this year remained the top-rated cable news station.

But why is trustworthiness proportional to number of viewers? That’s the reasoning televangelists use, isn’t it? “I must be doing the Lord’s work, because look how big we are! Now, brothers and sisters, please aid the Lord (and myself) by giving me your undivided attention and checkbooks!”

Just replace “the Lord” with “President Trump” and you basically have a Fox News staff meeting!

Maine Labor Dept. Fires 10 Due to Low Unemployment

Good/bad news! You’re too good at your job!

The state of Maine is facing its lowest recorded rate of unemployment. This is good news, but like all good things, there’s been unintended side effects. The side effect is that there are fewer unemployed people. Therefore, there’s lower demand for people to help the unemployed. As such, 10 people from Maine’s Labor Department are getting the axe.

The Bangor Daily News reports: The department said a low volume of participants means lower federal reimbursements, which would require the state to put in money to support those positions in the program, called the Reemployment Services and Eligibility Assessment program, or RESEA.

“RESEA is a successful program because it helps people on unemployment get back to work earlier, but the current funding model is not flexible for low-unemployment states,” Paquette said in a news release.

She said the department will continue to help the long-term unemployed at the state’s Career Centers through the Worker Profiling and Reemployment Services program. And next year, she said the department will review its participation in the federal program.

On the bright side for the soon-to-be unemployed people, there’s a department up in Maine that can help you find a job! I hear they’ve been really successful.

Pro-Life Lawmaker Beheads Chicken to Prove Point

In case you haven’t kept up with Missouri politics, the state governor has called for the second special session this year. The session is mainly to increase regulations over abortion, a contentious issue across the nation.

This new session is also a big opportunity for Representative Mike Moon, well-known in Missouri for his hardline anti-abortion view. He doesn’t want abortion just regulated, he wants it banned all across Missouri. He went about proving his point in a rather interesting way.

The Missouri Times reports: Rep. Mike Moon evidently does not believe Gov. Eric Greitens’ calls for an extraordinary session goes far enough to end abortion.

And to prove it, he killed and dressed a chicken and posted a video of the act to Facebook.

A transcript of the video follows:

“When the governor called for the second special session this year, I was right in the middle of my summer job. But like any good career politician, when I get the call (breaks to behead chicken), I’m going back to work. God gave us man dominion over life. He allows us to raise animals properly and care for them and then process them for food so we can sustain life. And that’s what I’m doing here with this chicken. So we’ve been called back to this special session for the primary purpose of supporting life, protecting the unborn specifically. I think we need to get to the heart of the matter here (pulls out chicken’s heart). So today, I’m filing a bill that will lead to the stopping of abortion in the state of Missouri and I hope you’ll support it.”

If you feel like watching this video, you can see it below.

Regardless of your stance on abortion, this guy’s argument has a few holes in it.

Firstly, starting your argument with “God gave us dominion over life” and then promptly killing something does not exactly demonstrate the sanctity of existence.

Secondly, and this is getting theoretical, if you read the book of Genesis it could be interpreted that God did not, if fact, create animals as a food source. In the Garden of Eden God gave mankind all the plants to eat (save for one very particular tree.) No animal was recorded being killed until after man’s fall. So, hypothetically, God’s original plan was for us to all be vegetarian… that doesn’t mean that I’ll ever give up hamburgers, but still…

Lastly, wouldn’t it have made more sense to smash an egg instead of kill an already born chicken?

Breaking News: French Fries Are Bad For You

Say it ain’t so!!!

An eight-year-long study by the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition has made both an unsurprising and a surprising discovery. Which would you like to know about first? What’s that? You’re reading this and can’t vocally respond to something I’ve already written? Okay, let’s go with the unsurprising news first!

The study has shown that French fries, something that’s as American/French as republican ideals, are bad for you! The surprising news is how bad, exactly, fries could be.

Yahoo reports: The eight-year study … analyzed the dietary habits of 4,400 people — including how often they ate fried and unfried potatoes — who were between the ages of 45 and 79. By the end of the study, 236 people had died.

Researchers found that people who had fried potatoes (such as French fries, tater tots, or hash browns) more than twice a week more than doubled their risk of death. But they didn’t find a link between people who ate unfried potatoes and death. “The frequent consumption of fried potatoes appears to be associated with an increased mortality risk,” researchers said in the study’s conclusion.

The article points out that this conclusion is only correlational. To translate, the study did not find a direct link between tator tots and dropping dead. It just so happens that the people who died earlier were likely to be fans of fried potato products.

So, now the question is what do we do with this information? As an American, I can proudly say I plan to do absolutely nothing different! I love French fries, and I’m not gonna stop eating them just because they’re bad for me. Besides, is a life without fries really a life worth living?