Ro-emu and Juli-ass

Could I have written a better headline? Probably. Would I, though? Not by a long shot!

Love is strange. You just spend enough time with someone and, eventually, something clicks in your brain with the right person and you’re just like, “Yes, this one. This is the one I want to share my stuff and spend all my time with.” Love is also unpredictable. You never know when it can hit, or who somebody will fall for. In a truly out-of-left-field example, an emu and a donkey at a North Carolina animal shelter have apparently fallen in love.

The Charlotte Observer reports: The odd pair – emus are similar to ostriches – are so closely bonded that they’re refusing to leave each other’s side, says Jennifer Gordon of Carolina Waterfowl Rescue outside of Charlotte.

“They like to cuddle and even sleep together,” Gordon told The Charlotte Observer. “We can’t separate them, so we need someone who is willing to adopt both a donkey and an emu. That may not be easy.”

Rescuers made the mistake of trying to separate them – once.

And we don’t talk about that time. It is only spoken of in hushed whispers around the water cooler and is referred to as “The Incident.”

They’re now being kept in the same enclosure, as they await an adoption that she predicts will likely never come.

You may be wondering how this love first blossomed. As it turns out, it happened the same way most romances begin!

How did this affair happen? Loneliness, Gordon guesses.

The emu and the donkey had been “comforting each other,” possibly for years, on a few acres in Kershaw, South Carolina, when the owner suddenly vanished last week, she says.

Gordon fears the rescue operation will have to keep the donkey and emu indefinitely. The site already has three other donkeys, but it turns out the newly arrived donkey doesn’t like them, she said. “He’d rather be with the emu,” she says. “When we put him in with the other donkeys, he attacked them.”

Hey, we all have our types! The donkey clearly has a thing for long legs, and the emu is all about dat ass!


Nevada Pimp Wins Election Despite Being Dead

That’s nothing! Our current president won his election campaign and, I’m convinced, he only ran as a joke that went too far!

Our country is no stranger to controversial figures running for political office. We’re also no stranger to those controversial figures winning elections, either! What might be a new one, however, is having a dead candidate win their election. A Nevada brothel owner was announced victorious in a campaign for the state house of representatives, despite dropping dead a few weeks before election day.

Business Insider reports: Dennis Hof, a reality-television star and pimp who owned several legal brothels, had been running for the Nevada Legislature when he was found dead on October 16, two days after this 72nd birthday.

He won his election on Tuesday, defeating the Democrat Lesia Romanov, with almost 70% of the vote.

Man, losing an election to a dead pimp in a landslide? That has to be the worst feeling in the world!

Hof called himself “The Trump of Pahrump,” after his town in Nevada, and beat a three-term incumbent Republican in June’s primary.

Nevermind, I take my last statement back. THAT has to be the worst feeling in the world! How bad of a job do people have to think you’re doing to choose a pimp over you?

Hof’s platform was largely conservative, as he looked to expand gun rights and vowed to take a tough stance on immigration. He also wanted to push to make the brothel industry more mainstream and introduce more sex education to schools.

That seems like a conflict of interest, don’t you think? Then again, I suppose this guy knew lots of people who would be good sex-ed instructors …

He faced multiple accusations of sexual assault, and these were under investigation when he died, according to BuzzFeed.

Since when have sexual assault allegations stopped anybody from winning elections? Also, since when has BuzzFeed been considered a reliable source? Everything about this story is just weird!

Buffalo Bills Set New Record for Sex Toys on the Football Field

Traditions are a strange thing, when you think about it. I come from Texas A&M, a college riddled with traditions that we all accept without questioning them. Students aren’t allowed to sit during football games, if our mascot (a dog) barks during class then class is dismissed, we all wear our class rings upside down until we graduate. We have special chants, certain trees you’re not allowed to walk under alone, and it’s a fact of life that Layne’s is better than Cane’s. What I’m trying to get at, here, is that we follow all of these strange traditions simply because they’re traditions. Someone did it in the past, and now we have to continue that legacy. Traditions are just really long-running inside jokes, when you think about it.

I’m not really one to judge when it comes to strange traditions, but when I hear about the Buffalo Bills setting a new record for the number of sex toys they’ve thrown onto the field, I have to pause and read more.

Sports Illustrated reports: It started in 2016 when a Bills fan threw the inaugural rubber phallus onto the field right in the middle of a play. After a repeat performance last season, it became pretty clear that this was now a tradition when the Patriots came to town. If the Bills can’t beat the Pats in Buffalo (they’ve only done it in 2003 and 2011), the fans might as well have some fun. 

Monday night’s game featured (at least) three dildos on the field, plus how ever many were thrown and disposed of before they could be captured on film.

I mean, what else are you gonna do? You’re playing against the Patriots! Might as well show them exactly what you think of them.

Also, I have a question: Don’t a lot of football stadiums have a “clear bag” policy? You’re only allowed to carry a bag into the football game if it’s made of a clear, see-through plastic. So how on earth did so many people get dildos past security? Where, pray tell, were they being hidden?

It’s Election Day!

Happy election day, everybody! It’s the midterms, and if you’ve kept up with the news lately, you know it’s been a hotly contested campaign season across the country. Hope you all take some time today to vote! I did, and I got free cookies and a sticker out of it! What a deal!

Washington State Politician Writes “How to” Document for Holy War

Religious extremism, a “join or die” attitude, a strong fear of others and changes to cultural beliefs … What’s that? Oh, I’m not talking about the Middle East, I’m talking about Spokane, Washington!

State politician Matt Shea (an ironic last name) has garnered national attention for his recent antics. While this may not be surprising, as “antics” seem to be the only thing our politicians are capable of these days, I guarantee you that this seems like it came out of left field. As it turns out, Shea stands for strong conservative values. He wants to see us all go back to the good ol’ days. No, not the 1950s, the really good ol’ days of the Crusades!

The Seattle Times reports: Washington state Rep. Matt Shea acknowledged Wednesday he had distributed a four-page manifesto titled “Biblical Basis for War,” which describes the Christian God as a “warrior,” details the composition and strategies of a “Holy Army” and condemns abortion and same-sex marriage.

The document is organized in 14 sections with multiple tiers of bullet points and a smattering of biblical citations. Under one heading, “Rules of War,” it makes a chilling prescription for enemies who flout “biblical law.”

And in case you were curious, I read this document. Apparently, it’s only time to go to war when “God reveals his will to the leader” or “God starts the fight” himself. You know, like all the sound-of-mind military leaders in the Middle East do.

After the document was leaked online Tuesday, the Spokane Valley Republican insisted he was not promoting violence and that the message had been taken out of context.

To quote the “Biblical Basis for War:”

Rules    of    War

a. Conduct    a    census    of    all    able    bodied    males    (18-­‐45).

i. Identify    Exemptions    (see    above).

ii. Appoint    Captains    of    10’s,    50’s,    100’s    and    1000’s.

b. Avoid    blood    shed    if    possible.

c. Make    an    offer    of    Peace    before    declaring    war.

i. Not    a    negotiation    or    compromise    of    righteousness.

ii. Must    surrender    on    terms    of    justice    and    righteousness:

1. Stop    all    abortions;

2. No    same-­‐sex    marriage;

3. No    idolatry    or    occultism;

4. No    communism;    and

5. Must    obey    Biblical    law.

iii. If    they    yield    –    must    pay    share    of    work    or    taxes.

iv. If    they    do    not    yield    –    kill    all    males.

But I’m sure that’s just out of context. After all, don’t we all remember memorizing those Bible verses explaining the dangers of communism in Sunday school? Also, “Pay your taxes or we kill all the men” is definitely a different form of government from communism … somehow!

In the video, Shea also complains about a recently published Rolling Stone profile that characterizes him as an extremist, he argues that the United States is “a Christian nation” and he asserts that his detractors are part of a so-called “counter state” made up of “Marxists” and “Islamists.” He dismisses criticism as nothing more than “smears and slander and innuendo and implication.”

Oh no! The document that I wrote is making me look bad! This is the work of the deep state!

“The document Mr. Shea wrote is not a Sunday school project or an academic study,” Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich wrote in an email. “It is a ‘how to’ manual consistent with the ideology and operating philosophy of the Christian Identity/Aryan Nations movement and the Redoubt movement of the 1990s.”

Knezovich said he had obtained the document and other materials on a flash drive about six weeks ago.

“I gave it straight to the FBI,” he said.

I really want to know how that conversation between the sheriff and the FBI went.

“Hi, this is the Spokane County sheriff’s office. We have some documents here outlining a plan for some homegrown terrorists to lead a religious holy war.”

“Oh, wow, good catch! Let me take a look at these … wait a second, this is a Christian?”

“I doubt it … Just replace ‘Christian’ with ‘Muslim’ in the document. It’s interesting how much the lines of thinking match up.”

Russian Church Uses Crocodiles to Attract Young Crowd

A common topic of discussion (and by “discussion” I mean “sarcasm”) on this blog is church attendance. Churches across the world try many new, different, and sometimes silly things to get people through their doors. There are many aspects of the modern day church that would easily fit into the entertainment industry. One of those things, as one church in Russia is trying out, is a zoo.

Euronews reports: A church in Russia has hit on a bizarre way of trying to attract more youngsters to prayer: crocodiles!

They are part of a tiny zoo built in the religious building’s basement in Lomonosov near St Petersburg.

There are three crocodiles and other exotic animals there to add a new dimension to Sunday service.

That “new dimension” is fear of a crocodile sneaking up on you when your eyes are shut for prayer. It really speeds up the service!

“The purpose (of organising the zoo) was creating conditions for children to be interested in coming to the church,” said priest Oleg Yemelianenko.

While it’s an odd idea, the church is only filling a gap in the market.

“(It was) interesting as we don’t have a local zoo (in Lomonosov),” said visitor Olga Koltsova. “Here are a lot of visitors with kids.”

Yemelianenko founded the zoo to teach his children a love of nature and it’s steadily grown over the last decade.

But crocodiles? In Russia? I’m no expert, but those don’t really seem like “Russian” animals. Do they have crocodiles in Russia? That’s something I’ve never thought to Google before!

Now the facility is going to be enlarged, which will see better living conditions for the animals and crocodiles.

The Bible calls for us to feed the hungry, and you can watch them do so at 2:00’s live crocodile feeding! Be sure to check it out, next to the tiger exhibit!

Anti-Vaccine Billboards Appear Across W. VA and Other States

In unrelated news, the outbreak of some easily preventable, and previously nearly eradicated diseases have appeared across the country, too!

Modern medicine is fascinating, when you stop to think about it. It really wasn’t that long ago that we didn’t understand anything about how the human body worked, or what caused it to get sick. Doctors really didn’t know how to do much besides burn dead bodies and dress up like the stuff of nightmares:


But those days are long gone! With modern medical practices life expectancy has stretched longer than ever before, doctors can easily find and diagnose most sicknesses with relative ease, and new technology and medicines are being developed every day to keep people healthy! We even have this cool thing called “vaccinations” that can make you immune to diseases before you even catch it! Isn’t that awesome?!

Then again, maybe all that isn’t such a good thing? According to some billboards that have been popping up across the country, maybe people are actually healthier without modern medicine? After all, weren’t things better in the good ol’ days of the Black Plague, when people would just drop dead by the millions?

AP reports: Anti-vaccine billboards claiming that routine childhood shots are deadly have popped up in several West Virginia cities.

They warn that the son of former Ultimate Fighting Championship fighter Nick Catone died from a vaccine, though the infant’s death was officially ruled to be sudden infant death syndrome.

Ah, yes, using someone’s dead child to promote your agenda. Classy move, that!

A physician director for the Cabell-Huntington Health Department, Dr. Michael Kilkenny, says the case is tragic but the medical community’s consensus that vaccines are safe and effective remains unchanged. The Herald-Dispatch reported Sunday that the messages have appeared this month in Parkersburg, Dunbar and Huntington as part of a national campaign by the nonprofit Learn The Risk group. More than 30 similar billboards have cropped up in Pennsylvania, New York and other states.

“So the entire medical community, composed of doctors and people who have spent their lives studying this area of science, agree that vaccines are okay.”


“What do you mean ‘wrong’? We have data and facts …”

“You have the wrong facts!”

“How can a fact be wrong?”

“Because I disagree with it!”

… You know what? Maybe there’s something to be said for going un-vaccinated. I feel like the world could do with a lot less people, all of a sudden.