Cleveland Browns win for the first time since 2016

The Cleveland Browns: Evidence that participation trophies maybe should be a thing.

The Cleveland Browns, a “football team” well known for never being able to catch a break, has finally done the impossible! They won a game! This is the first win the Browns have earned in about two years, it turns out. This win also, apparently, has given Browns fans access to a lot of free beer.

NPR reports: The Cleveland Browns made a rare visit to the win column Thursday night, ending a streak of frustration and futility by beating another NFL team for the first time since Christmas Eve of 2016. The win set off celebrations – including a promotion campaign that offered free beer if the team won a game in 2018.

The Browns beat the New York Jets, 21-17, bringing their record to .500. Three games into the 2018 season, the Browns are 1-1, with one tie.

“We WON!!!” the Cleveland Police Department tweeted last night, before adding, “Wait….Oh God. The free beer thing…Ok Cleveland. Stay calm. GO BROWNS!!!”

The free beer came in the form of Bud Light – Anheuser-Busch had promised to give Browns fans a cold beer if their team could win a game, installing orange “Victory Fridges” refrigerators in bars in Cleveland and surrounding areas that were synched to unlock in the event of a Browns win.

Another fun fact about the Browns, their team color is orange … Wrong colors, free beer, a football team that wins only once per presidency, Cleveland seems like a strange place.


Woman injured after mistaking dynamite for candle

Who knew injuries from cartoons were so likely to happen in real life? I guess I should keep an eye out for falling pianos…

A Connecticut woman has been injured after nearly blowing herself up with dynamite. According to reports, she believed that she was lighting a candle, but she really should have known better since a Wascally Wabbit was the one who handed the “candle” to her.

ABC 13 reports: A woman in Connecticut is recovering in the hospital after a bizarre explosion.

Officials say the woman thought she was lighting a candle, but it turned out to be a quarter stick of dynamite.

The woman injured her hands, and now, officials are saying they found a second device in her home.

Other homes in the neighborhood were evacuated as a precaution.

It’s probably wise to evacuate that neighborhood, I hear it’s a dangerous part of town. There’s a roadrunner and a coyote that keep drag racing down the streets, people keep walking off the edges of cliffs without realizing because of delays in gravity, and some deranged lunatic keeps firing his gun in the air screaming about it being “Wabbit season” or “Duck season.”

Frankly, this whole story seems a little bit looney.

Fans of Sci-Fi and Fantasy Make Better Romantic Partners

Well, we are called “book lovers,” aren’t we?

Harry Potter, Star Wars, Game of Thrones, Battlestar Galactica … what do they all have in common? According to research, fans of these shows make better romantic partners than other people! That’s right, folks! Just when you thought romantic comedies couldn’t get sillier, apparently they’re even more unrealistic when they just leave the nerdy person as a sidekick/comedy relief!

Pacific Standard reports: New research suggests fans of those genres have more mature beliefs about romantic relationships than readers who gravitate toward suspense, romance, or even highbrow literature.

“Individuals who scored higher for exposure to science fiction/fantasy were less likely to endorse four unrealistic relationship beliefs,” writes a research team led by psychologist Stephanie C. Stern of the University of Oklahoma.

So it turns out that the people with their head in the clouds are also the most realistic when it comes to relationships? Man, love is confusing, isn’t it?

Specifically, they indicated on a six-point scale the degree to which they agreed with statements such as “People who have a close relationship can sense each other’s needs as if they could read each other’s minds,” and “When couples disagree, it seems like the relationship is falling apart.

“In fantasy, mind-reading sometimes is possible,” the researchers point out. Could that impart an “understanding that in the real world, it is not?”

Yes … In general, when something is labelled “fiction,” that implies that it is not real. That’s how the genres of science fiction and fantasy usually work.

They also note that the hero’s journey, first identified by Joseph Campbell and embodied by characters from Odysseus to Harry Potter, centers on a character who comes into his or her own power over the course of a quest. By seeing the world through their eyes, fans may come to understand “the human capacity for change”—and perhaps even apply it to their romantic partners.

“Stern and her colleagues concede that these results don’t prove that reading Harry Potter makes one more realistic about relationships. It’s conceivable that people with more grounded views of romance are also drawn to the science-fiction/fantasy genre.

While this may seem shocking, and inconclusive, it makes sense if you think about it. Of course the book nerds are more likely to make better SO’s. They’re not going to start any fights because they just don’t have time! Do you have any idea how many books they have to read? You can’t get in an argument if you’re both too busy reading!

Paraguay Police Have Guns Stolen and Replaced With Toys

“Pew! Pew! Pew! Hey, you have to lay down, I shot you!”

“No you didn’t, I have a force field!”

Police officers in Paraguay made a shocking discovery a few weeks ago. Apparently, 42 of their rifles had been stolen and replaced with fake replicas. While the police is stuck with the toy guns, the real ones are reportedly traveling all around South America via the black market.

The BBC reports: Paraguayan media posted photos of the replicas and called it the “most embarrassing scandal” in the history of the country’s police force.

They [the guns] had been taken to the armoury in the city of Capiatá as the police force was replacing them with newer models.

When the rifles first started appearing on the black market, the military ordered an investigation. They honed in on the police armoury and a search revealed the toy rifles.

The police officer in charge of the armoury has been replaced but no arrests have so far been made.

“So tell me, did you see anybody walk in or out of this armory with suspiciously gun-shaped packages?”


“Ok, then.”

Be back tomorrow!

Hey everyone!

I’m sorry I’ve been missing in action for so long. Things have just gotten really busy at work, and my family came by to visit a little while ago. But the good news is things are about to (relatively) slow down, so I should have some time to catch up with this blog! Barring some major disaster I have to cover, we should be back to our normal schedule starting tomorrow!

Thanks for your patience!

Irish Teenager Injured by Falling Sheep

Hold on … I’m sure I can come up with a joke for this!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from moving to Alaska, it’s to always be on a lookout for wildlife when you’re out for a hike. Deer are pretty common near town, as are bears (though I haven’t seen any yet.) I’ve also run into a baby porcupine and lots of really annoying birds. The one animal I haven’t been thinking to look out for is sheep. More specifically, falling sheep.

JOE reports: A young Irish male has been hospitalised following an incident which saw him being hit by a falling sheep while walking in the Mourne Mountains.

The incident happened shortly after 4pm Friday afternoon when a group of teenagers took to “steep ground” in Slieve Bearnagh for a hike.

The Mourne Mountain Rescue Team were called for assistance when a sheep fell from a crag near the Hare’s Gap and struck the teenager.

Let’s be honest, how are you even supposed to be prepared for a sheep attacking you from above?

A team of seventeen arrived at the scene to found the boy in need of medical attention for potential injuries to his head, neck, back, abdomen and leg.

The teen was treated at the scene and evacuated by stretcher before being transferred by ambulance to Ulster Hospital’s emergency department, where he was treated and later discharged.

Mourne Mountain Rescue Team took to social media to share news of the incident, adding that the sheep involved in the accident was uninjured in the incident and left the area unaided.

Oh, well that’s good to know! Glad to hear the sheep’s alright. He probably didn’t have insurance and wouldn’t be able to afford a trip to the hospital.

Joel Osteen Honored for “Helping” During Hurricane Harvey

The prosperity gospel: Because poor people have never been mentioned in the Bible before!

Megachurch pastor, and winner of the “Most Punchable Face in Texas” award, Joel Osteen was recently honored for all his work helping people when Hurricane Harvey flooded the city of Houston.

You might remember, of course, that this “help” was a bit reluctant. But that doesn’t mean the super-rich heretic shouldn’t get a pat on the back!

ABC 13 reports: Pastor Joel Osteen, who initially took criticism for not opening the doors of his famed megachurch to those displaced in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, was recognized Tuesday by Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner and city council members for his role in storm relief.

Osteen, his family, and his Lakewood Church staff were honored at city hall.

According to the city, Lakewood helped thousands affected by Harvey’s flooding get back on their feet, including assisting in rehabbing flood-damaged homes.
In the early stages of the storm’s wake, many residents wondered why Lakewood Church was inaccessible to those seeking relief.

On the first of several heavy rain days, the church cited severe flooding for the cause. But, people quickly took to social media questioning whether the building next to Southwest Freeway was really impacted by the storm.

The day after, Osteen was prepared to help those in need.

“We have never closed our doors. We will continue to be a distribution center for those in need. We are prepared to house people once shelters reach capacity. Lakewood will be a value to the community in the aftermath of this storm in helping our fellow citizens rebuild their lives,” the church said in a statement.

That’s right, folks, they have never closed their doors! It just takes them a REALLY long time to get them open. And for that, Houston will forever be in Ostend’s debt (but not as bad a debt as Ostend’s followers often get into.)

Any citizen can request a city of Houston proclamation for a group or a significant personal achievement through the the city’s website.

If you feel so inclined, you can watch a video of this little award ceremony here.