Turkeys terrorizing New Jersey community

What’s this? An actual MWAS story and not just another sad excuse about me being busy? Will wonders never cease?!*

When it comes to Thanksgiving dinner, everybody has their favorite food. Mine is a tie between green bean casserole and sweet potatoes. What everyone can usually agree on, however, is that turkey is a delicious staple of almost anybody’s Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone, that is, except the turkeys themselves. In one New Jersey neighborhood, it would appear that turkeys are enacting some civil disobedience ahead of the holiday season.

KMVT 11 reports: Turkeys are running wild in one 55-and-older community, and it’s starting to scare neighbors. Residents say the birds are blocking doorways and pecking at cars.

When there are 20 or so wild turkeys, each weighing up to 25 pounds and capable of running about 20 mph, they can be frightening.

I guess I have to agree there. If I step outside in the morning to head to work, just to find a flock of turkeys staring me down and hogging the sidewalk, I’m just going back indoors and calling in sick!

“And they are all over the place,” Jack Adams said. “There are massive amounts of turkeys in here. I did stop the truck yesterday and they were gobbling, gobbling, gobbling and I’m sure they can chase some people around.”

Others say if you don’t provoke them, they won’t bother you. They see them as a benefit in the neighborhood.

“They’re like traffic cops. People speed down the highway all the time and we need speed bumps. Instead of speed bumps, we have turkeys,” Richard Flecker said.

Local animal control isn’t licensed to trap them, so wildlife officials were notified.

I wonder how that phone call went?

“Animal control, how can I help you?”

“Um, yeah, I think my front yard has an infestation…”

“Oh, what do you have? Squirrels? Raccoons?”

“Turkeys.”

*Click*

“Hello? Hello?!”

https://www.kmvt.com/content/news/Turkeys-terrorize-55-community-564673081.html

*(PS: I am sorry for not keeping up with this blog. I feel really bad about it, since I keep promising to try harder to keep updating regularly. Third … or what, sixth, seventh time’s the charm?)

Gun Shop in Hot Water With “Back to School” Sale Sign

I’m all for dark humor … but there’s also this thing called “timing.”

School is starting up pretty soon across the country. Families are busy going around buying new clothes, textbooks, backpacks, etc. Stores everywhere are attempting to draw in these shoppers with special deals and discounts. Of course, when a Texas gun shop tries to do the same thing, people might view it as a mixed message.

ABC13 reports: A gun store in Katy is facing backlash after what was posted on their marquee sign.

Michelle Simons, an ABC13 viewer, sent a photo of Boyert Shooting Center’s sign reading “Back to school sale August 13 through 18. Up to 50 percent off firearms.”A gun store in Katy is facing backlash after what was posted on their marquee sign.

Michelle Simons, an ABC13 viewer, sent a photo of Boyert Shooting Center’s sign reading “Back to school sale August 13 through 18. Up to 50 percent off firearms.”

Boyert Shooting Center sent ABC13 the following statement:
“We have friends and family who are teachers and our way of reaching out and saying thank you is by offering a summer long promotion of discounted training courses, firearms and accessories. A lot of Texans are not aware, but it is now legal to conceal carry in some colleges, and for teachers in certain school districts to conceal carry as well. We are wrapping up the program that we have been running since the beginning of June, with a huge sale to benefit everyone.”

https://abc13.com/society/katy-gun-store-faces-backlash-over-back-to-school-sale-sign/5459151/

Drunk Man Invades Polish Town with Tank

Poland: “Here we go again!”

Poland has a long and proud history of getting the short end of the stick, so it is understandable that people would be a little bit jumpy at the thought of being invaded. However, is it really paranoia if you’re proven right? After a Soviet-era tank was seen driving through the streets of a small Polish town, there were likely quite a few concerned citizens. This invasion, however, was pretty small and easily handled.

Newsweek reports: A drunk driver was arrested last week for maneuvering a tank through the streets of Pajęczno, Poland.

The vehicle, a Soviet T-55 tank that’s at least 60 years old, belonged to the Polish military. But on June 12 shortly before 10pm it looked like it was attacking residents, who quickly called police.

“Police, help! There’s a tank in my front yard and it’s tearing up my garden!!!”

“A tank? … So what exactly are you expecting us to do about it?”

According to Polish newspaper Twoje Pajęczno, the unnamed driver, 49, was only responsible for putting the tank on and off its trailer. But the trailer had broken and, while it was being repaired, he drunkenly decided to take the war machine out on a joyride.

I can empathize with the driver, to be honest. If my job was to move a tank around on a trailer all day, every day, I’d be tempted to just take it for a spin, too.

By the time the cops arrived, he had parked the 40-ton machine on a main street and was standing nearby. Another man, believed to be his passenger, was also present.

It’s not clear if the muddled motorist caused any permanent damage to Mickiewicza Street but he was arrested and, once he sobered up, questioned by police. He faces up to eight years in prison if charged with creating “direct danger of a catastrophe in land, water or air traffic,” or two years for driving under the influence.

The important word in that last sentence is “OR.” True, he did put the city in danger by driving around it with a giant tank, but he was also driving drunk. I think we can all agree which one is really the worse charge.

The armored vehicle had to sit until 5am the following morning, when an ex-soldier who knew how to operate it could come load it onto a tow truck and take it to a guarded parking lot.

Why not ask the drunk guy who took the tank in the first place to move it? It could count towards his community service hours and getting his license unsuspended! Besides, doesn’t good behavior count for anything any more?

“Sir, you stole a tank.”

“But I also returned it! C’mon, give me some credit!”

https://www.newsweek.com/drunk-poland-soviet-tank-1444475

Christian Book Distributors changes name after getting confused for weed business

This is what we would call a “missed opportunity.” If this book distributor was smart, they would definitely get in on the cannabis business!

Christian Book Distributors is a large business that sells homeschooling materials, Christian books, and Bibles, among other products. If you’ve ever set foot in a LifeWay or other Christian book store, you’ve probably seen some CBD products. Of course, if you don’t know what this company is, it could be easy to get confused. “CBD” sounds a lot like some government agency or … well, something else.

The Guardian reports: After 40 years of trading, the American Christian bookseller CBD has been forced to change its name after customers in search of a different kind of balm – the cannabis-derived compound CBD – ended up in the wrong place.

“Across the country, people see signs for ‘CBD sold here’, which creates brand confusion,” said the company in a statement. “In the past, a Google search for ‘CBD’ would place our company at the top of the results page. Now our CBD is nowhere to be found in the search results, only sites for the cannabis product are listed.”

It’s not really brand confusion if the vast majority of people are looking for cannabis oil and not a coloring book for homeschoolers, is it?

Acknowledging that “this wave of popularity over the ‘other CBD’ is not likely to subside”, Christian Book Distributors is to stop calling itself CBD, dropping “Distributors” from its company name, and operating henceforward under the name Christianbook.

Ah, yes, Christianbook! Seems like just a really dumb way to talk about the Bible without saying the word.

“Hey, have you read the Christianbook recently?”

“A little bit. I’ve actually been studying Mormonbook to look for any similarities and differences.”

“Never read Mormonbook, but I really like the musical!”

“It just kind of overwhelms our brand,” Ray Hendrickson told the New York Times. “A person may call up and say, ‘Hey, I’m looking for my order’. It’s like, ‘What did you order? ‘Oh, I ordered gummies.’ You don’t have the right company.’”

But could you imagine how much money you could make if you did sell CBD products? Just picture it: Little gummy-fish, crucifix suckers, “holy oil,” etc.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/jul/22/what-did-you-order-christian-publisher-cbd-changes-name-after-cannabis-queries

Missionaries ordered to pay $2 million after arguing taxes are sinful

I feel like I’ve heard this argument before, back when I was covering a Libertarian town hall meeting or something …

A Tasmanian couple identifying as missionaries have racked up some serious fines after not paying their taxes. Now there are several arguments that could be made when it comes to not paying taxes. I don’t support the programs my tax dollars go to, my organization should be tax exempt, taxes are just something the 99% pay, etc. One argument that might be unique is the one that this couple tried to use, that taxation goes against God’s will.

ABC reports: Christian missionaries Fanny Alida Beerepoot and Rembertus Cornelis Beerepoot faced the Supreme Court of Tasmania on Wednesday after they both failed to pay an estimated $930,000 in income tax and other charges in 2017.

Oh boy. You know, I think I’ve changed my mind and I side with these people now. With names that ridiculous, their lives have been taxing enough!

Representing themselves, the pair told the court they had previously paid income tax prior to 2011 but that a deepened spiritual relationship meant they later realised paying tax was “against God’s will”.

Mr Beerepoot told the court the pair sent letters to the Queen and Prime Minister last month calling into question the jurisdiction of taxation and the validity of the legislation.

He argued that by being made to pay taxes, their dependence on God was being taken away from them, which was causing Australia to be cursed.

Or it could just be that you live in Australia, a continent where everything wants to kill you and the sun will literally melt your flip flops. Sounds like it was a cursed place long before it organized into a country.

“Transferring our allegiance from God to the Commonwealth would mean rebelling against God and therefore breaking the first commandment.”

“As we reject God, the curses upon us become greater, but if we return to God’s teachings there will be healing,” Ms Beerepoot, who referred to Mr Beerepoot as her “brother”, said.

“We rely on the blessings we receive from God which we give to him and not to an outside entity such as the tax office.”

Gosh, if only there was a Bible verse that specifically pointed out the necessity of paying taxes …

In 2017, the family had their 2.44-hectare property at Mole Creek in Northern Tasmania seized and later sold for $120,000 by the Meander Valley Council after they refused to pay about $3,000 worth of rates on the property over seven years.

“We don’t own anything because we are his [God’s],” Ms Beerepoot told the court.

You are technically correct that you don’t own anything, but that’s because your property got confiscated by the government because of your tax dodging.

In his judgment, Associate Justice Stephen Holt said he took issue with the absence of a specific reference in the Bible that supports their argument.

Justice Holt ordered Mr and Ms Beerepoot pay an estimated $1.159 million and $1.166 million respectively, covering income tax debt, administrative costs, interest charges and running balance account deficit debts.

See, if the judge had just called the fines a “tithe” then I’m sure these two would have no problem whatsoever paying up!

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-07-17/christian-family-ordered-to-pay-2.3-million-tax-bill/11318538?pfmredir=sm

Friendly Reminder That Storming Area 51 is Probably a Bad Idea

Best case scenario: You release a bunch of space aliens who probably aren’t happy about being kept prisoner.

Worst case scenario: Everyone gets shot as they run towards the base.

Either way, there isn’t really a very good outcome from this.

If you’ve been living under a rock or, I don’t know, doing something productive with your time, you may be unaware that a Facebook event inviting people to invade Area 51 has been trending. Area 51 is a military base out in Nevada that, according to memes and conspiracy theorists, doubles as a prison camp for space aliens and storage facility for top secret technology. The Facebook event has gotten a million people to sign up. Considering I struggle to get half a dozen people to show up once every two weeks for a D&D game, it’s very impressive that a million people have organized to attack the U.S. Military all in the name of getting a look at space aliens.

Of course, even though this event is 99.99% most likely just a joke, the military had to make a statement to deter the 0.01% of crazies who might actually show up.

CNN reports: A pinned post on the page attempts to cover its bases, reading “Hello US government, this is a joke, and I do not actually intend to go ahead with this plan. I just thought it would be funny and get me some thumbsy uppies on the internet.” But as the event has gained traction — inspiring dozens of memes and jokes — the profile of the situation has risen, so much so that the US Air Force has been made aware of the potential impending raid. 

And they’re not as lighthearted about the situation as folks on the internet are.

The Air Force not finding a million people joking about storming one of their bases funny? Man, they need to lighten up!

“[Area 51] is an open training range for the U.S. Air Force, and we would discourage anyone from trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces,” a spokeswoman told The Washington Post. “The U.S. Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets.”

Technically, these million people aren’t going to rush Area 51 for “American” assets, they’re wanting to break in there to free the space aliens and take their technology. So when you think about it, they’re actually stealing assets from other planets!

https://www.cnn.com/2019/07/15/us/area-51-military-warning-trnd/index.html

Metallica to release children’s book

It makes sense that Metallica would write a children’s book. I mean, they’re already well known for their bedtime lullabies!

Metallica, whether you enjoy their music or not, has played an important part in American musical history. The band has a long history in both the heavy metal and the mainstream music scene. While these days they may be considered “dad rock” by many, it’s an image that the band is working hard to avoid. Metallica can still rock! They’re not for dads or older people, they’re just as young and metal as ever! To prove it, they’re announcing their release of a children’s book … Wait what?

Metallica.com reports: We’re having a bit of fun as The ABCs of Metallica hits the shelves and online book stores on November 26, 2019, all for a great cause with a portion of the proceeds benefiting All Within My Hands as we continue to support workforce education and the fight against hunger.

Nothing screams “metal, rebellion, and danger” like donating children’s book proceeds to charity. (But for real though, good on them for donating to charity!)

Including rhymes and illustrations, The ABCs of Metallica looks back at the history of the band from, duh, A to Z! Each letter of the alphabet highlights a moment along our journey from Garage Days to Master of Puppets to fun facts about us.

“And ‘C’ is for cocaine, which some of us enjoyed a little too much!”

The book is co-authored by Howie Abrams (The Merciless Book of Metal Lists, Hip-Hop Alphabet), with illustrations by Michael “Kaves” McLeer, who participated in Metallica’s Obey Your Master exhibit in 2012. Books, as well as bundles with Young Metal Attack merchandise, are available for pre-order now in the Met Store.

Silly? Yes. Very un-heavy metal? Yes. Am I going to buy this as a gag gift for several friends? Again, yes.

https://www.metallica.com/news/2019-07-10-abcs-of-metallica.html

Woman Fires Gun at DMV Because of Long Line

I understand. I don’t agree, but I understand.

Nobody likes going to the DMV. It’s like entering a parallel dimension where time holds no meaning. Even in the town I currently live in, with a population of 2,500 and less than 15 miles of paved roads, a trip to the DMV can still take an annoying amount of time. We all like to complain about it, and we all wish that the lines would move just a little faster. Of course, 99% percent of us down pull out a gun when we get annoyed by the long lines.

The Dayton Daily News reports: A Missouri woman, apparently upset that the line at a Kansas City area Division of Motor Vehicles office was not moving fast enough, allegedly pulled out a gun and fired shots outside the building, The Kansas City Star reported.

Police responded to the Parkville Licensing Office at 11:25 a.m. after receiving reports of an armed woman, the newspaper reported. Officers arrested the woman as she was entering her car in the parking lot.

The officers “jumped out and jumped a woman who was trying to get into her car,” Kathy Coulter, a witness, told the Star. “They took her down and handcuffed her right away.”

What I want to know is what this lady’s plan was? Sure, she scatters the crowds with a few shots in the air, but was she expecting the DMV people to stay put, too?

*blows smoke from gun barrel* “Hi there! I need to get my license renewed.”

Then again, as slow as DMV employees are, it’s not like they could run away very fast. Maybe they would just stay behind their booths, calling out for customer #64 even though they just helped customer #45 and you’re customer #46 and now you don’t even understand how their numbering system works any more and all you want to do is turn in a registration form but they’re telling you that you filled out the wrong form and you need to come back in three to five business days with the correct one even though it’s the exact same form they gave you the last time you were here … 

https://www.daytondailynews.com/news/national/woman-missouri-dmv-fires-gun-because-line-was-too-slow-police-say/hsgx37eLFbdqHMeRv7YVfP/

Razors recalled for being too sharp

I don’t know, this sounds like reverse psychology to me. They’re just trying to trick us into buying even more razors!

“Hey you! No, put that down, you don’t want to buy that razor. It’s way too sharp, it’ll give you the smoothest shave you’ve ever had. Won’t miss a single hair, I tell you what!”

Shaving can sometimes be way more hassle than it’s worth. You have to pay close attention to keep the shave even, avoid cutting yourself, then you have to clean up all the loose hairs off the counter, then you’re dealing with an itchy face for the rest of the day, it can be annoying. Having a really good, sharp razor makes the whole process a lot easier, though. It speeds up the process, and makes it less painful. Nobody wants to shave with a dull razor, after all. On the flip side of that coin, another concern is having a razor that is too sharp.

CBS Miami reports: No one likes to use a dull razor but you don’t want one too sharp either.

For exactly that reason Gillette is recalling 87-thousand Venus Simply3 disposable razors.

The company says the affected razors have blades which can become misaligned during use, causing a higher risk of cuts.
Venus has received one confirmed report from a woman who was cut while using this product.

Nothing like looking up at the mirror after shaving and realizing you look like Edward Scissorhands!

I suppose now that Gillette is admitting some of their products might not be up to par, we all have to be a little more careful. Much like overprotective parents checking their kids’ Halloween candy for razor blades, now we all have to check to see if our razors have razor blades! Be careful, everyone, you never know what kind of lunatics are out there hiding sharp objects in your shaving equipment!

https://miami.cbslocal.com/2019/07/02/gillette-recalls-razors-too-sharp/